Week of Depression

Yesterday.. Ummi told me.. "Kak, awak jangan tension2, banyakkan sabar time pregnant ni"

How I wish.. But I've to admit that I'm just a very normal ordinary person.. completed with all type of feeling & emos..

Setiap kali lepas solat, selalu berdoa supaya jiwa ni tenang & sabar.. Apa-apa dugaan yang datang boleh handle dengan smiley face ;-) Susahnya..

Orang cakap sarcastic sikit, terus jiwa ni rasa macam nak reply harshly sambil ungkit hal-hal terpendam.. Yelah, from the beginning pun kita dah pendam macam-macam.. I've been tolerate dengan macam2 situation, suddenly cakap macam kita ni tak ada value langsung..

What if, someone that you thought is the best person in your family.. is actually the last person that you can rely on? Too rigid and calculative, although ada satu nyawa yang masih hijau sedang menanggung kesakitan.. Too that extend, hati ni sampai doa biar sakit tu beralih pada this fella.. MasyaAllah.. ampunkan dosaku Ya Allah..

Seeing someone that you really2 loved being 'sabotaged' by her owned family member.. Tak cukup disabotaj.. dipergunakan.. diperlekehkan.. disia-siakan.. And forgive me, I couldn't be nice and treat these fellas like before..

Hopefully it will be the last thing that get me stucked in asshole.. But the other thing is, someone that you already knew that you can't rely on, the reason why you have to work and struggling like a remaining dog in a desert.. is doing nothing other than smashing a glass into your head! 

I knew, itu semua dugaan dari Allah swt.. My mom told me before "Mudah je Allah nak angkat darjat seorang perempuan tu, bagi dia dugaan demi dugaan. Sebab tu kita kena banyak dekat kan diri dengan Allah swt".. Allahu Akbar.. sabarlah wahai hati..

Now 6.09.. solat asar dulu.. semoga Allah berikan petunjuk & hidayah buat hamba yang sungguh lemah ini..

T.I.R.E.D

Yes I am!

Macam mana pun syukur Alhamdulillah sebab Allah swt masih bagi kekuatan lagi setiap kali bangun pagi untuk teruskan kehidupan. Cukup tepat kalau kata bulan November ni eventful & stressful. Recall cerita Ultraman Ace tahun 1992, bila power Ultraman dah habis, lampu merah kat dada pun bliking siap bunyi-bunyi lagi.. =p (apakah?) That's how i feel now..

But It's like a miracle.. I went all over the places accompanied by my little miracle.. =) I could drive alone and stayback untill 7pm.. Kadang-kadang sempat masak, if tak sempat tu alternatif la.. Mungkin itulah kekuatan & semangat yang Allah kirimkan .. Rasa meaningful sangat bila sama-sama mencari rezeki dengan si kecil yang aktif menendang-nendang.. =)

I told my husband.. "I need a break, I really2 need a break.." "Nak pergi mana?" "Tak kisahla.. As long as I can have my freedom & release my tense.." no relpy.. I understand.. Kalau dia dah kerja Sabtu, impossible nak travel mana-mana.. Ahad the only day nak kemas rumah.. sigh!

Being forced to face up to certain things that makes me feel so upset.. Stress lagi, but i hide as if like I'm ok and no heart feeling.. But deep inside, maybe seorang je yang tahu.. Annakku, sebab sekarang dia yang paling dekat dengan hati ni.. Thanks dear, anugerah terbesar & terindah dalam hidup Mamy..

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah jalanku.. bukakan lagi pintu rezeki buat anakku seluas-luasnya.. Amin..