Week of Depression

Yesterday.. Ummi told me.. "Kak, awak jangan tension2, banyakkan sabar time pregnant ni"

How I wish.. But I've to admit that I'm just a very normal ordinary person.. completed with all type of feeling & emos..

Setiap kali lepas solat, selalu berdoa supaya jiwa ni tenang & sabar.. Apa-apa dugaan yang datang boleh handle dengan smiley face ;-) Susahnya..

Orang cakap sarcastic sikit, terus jiwa ni rasa macam nak reply harshly sambil ungkit hal-hal terpendam.. Yelah, from the beginning pun kita dah pendam macam-macam.. I've been tolerate dengan macam2 situation, suddenly cakap macam kita ni tak ada value langsung..

What if, someone that you thought is the best person in your family.. is actually the last person that you can rely on? Too rigid and calculative, although ada satu nyawa yang masih hijau sedang menanggung kesakitan.. Too that extend, hati ni sampai doa biar sakit tu beralih pada this fella.. MasyaAllah.. ampunkan dosaku Ya Allah..

Seeing someone that you really2 loved being 'sabotaged' by her owned family member.. Tak cukup disabotaj.. dipergunakan.. diperlekehkan.. disia-siakan.. And forgive me, I couldn't be nice and treat these fellas like before..

Hopefully it will be the last thing that get me stucked in asshole.. But the other thing is, someone that you already knew that you can't rely on, the reason why you have to work and struggling like a remaining dog in a desert.. is doing nothing other than smashing a glass into your head! 

I knew, itu semua dugaan dari Allah swt.. My mom told me before "Mudah je Allah nak angkat darjat seorang perempuan tu, bagi dia dugaan demi dugaan. Sebab tu kita kena banyak dekat kan diri dengan Allah swt".. Allahu Akbar.. sabarlah wahai hati..

Now 6.09.. solat asar dulu.. semoga Allah berikan petunjuk & hidayah buat hamba yang sungguh lemah ini..

T.I.R.E.D

Yes I am!

Macam mana pun syukur Alhamdulillah sebab Allah swt masih bagi kekuatan lagi setiap kali bangun pagi untuk teruskan kehidupan. Cukup tepat kalau kata bulan November ni eventful & stressful. Recall cerita Ultraman Ace tahun 1992, bila power Ultraman dah habis, lampu merah kat dada pun bliking siap bunyi-bunyi lagi.. =p (apakah?) That's how i feel now..

But It's like a miracle.. I went all over the places accompanied by my little miracle.. =) I could drive alone and stayback untill 7pm.. Kadang-kadang sempat masak, if tak sempat tu alternatif la.. Mungkin itulah kekuatan & semangat yang Allah kirimkan .. Rasa meaningful sangat bila sama-sama mencari rezeki dengan si kecil yang aktif menendang-nendang.. =)

I told my husband.. "I need a break, I really2 need a break.." "Nak pergi mana?" "Tak kisahla.. As long as I can have my freedom & release my tense.." no relpy.. I understand.. Kalau dia dah kerja Sabtu, impossible nak travel mana-mana.. Ahad the only day nak kemas rumah.. sigh!

Being forced to face up to certain things that makes me feel so upset.. Stress lagi, but i hide as if like I'm ok and no heart feeling.. But deep inside, maybe seorang je yang tahu.. Annakku, sebab sekarang dia yang paling dekat dengan hati ni.. Thanks dear, anugerah terbesar & terindah dalam hidup Mamy..

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah jalanku.. bukakan lagi pintu rezeki buat anakku seluas-luasnya.. Amin..

I got nothin to do with them..

Dear All,

Early morning today, when i logged in my FB account i received a message from my former senior in Uni, she told me about someone, someone that I don't even bother about their life.. Since? Long story.. If possible malas nak buka balik..

That fella posted something on her wall, mad at someone.. but from the way she described, my senior's guessed it might be me.. I did asked her again, what she wrote about and how does she described the 'person'.. I didn't received her reply yet, but I'm not affected at all.. Tak tahu sebab pun.. It's Ok.. Just wondering, sbb that sis ckp dia mcm takut je tgk post tu.. Apakah?

I called my husband, i've storied to him about them before.. he told me not to bother or even think about that.. All these while I've been living happily, expecting, attending my friends big event, entertaining my craving (ehehe).. so rasanya tak terfikir pun pasal they all lagi.. langsung tak terfikir.. Inikan pulak nak cari pasal..

It's ok, whatever she wrote about I took it as non of my business.. Malas nak buka2 cerita, alang2 terbuka segala aib orang.. If betul pun the post is refering to me let it be laa, that's her FB account, she can do whatever she wanted.. Me also never view pun page dia..

As life goes on..

Adalah genap 4 months today =) happy sbb dah melepasi risk2 1st trime.. Alhamdulillah.. so for today's lunch planned nak cari nasi ayam kampung.. Si Ummi la ni influence.. hihihi.. =p

Dari susah2 ingat psl that fella.. baik tgk pic diorang ni lagi best.. =) ucu & kidz..

14 Weeks

Happy Eid Mubarak!

MasyaAllah.. it's been almost a month i wrote nothing here.. hehe, many things take place.. occupied & whatsoever laa..

SubhanAllah.. i'm in a 2nd trimester now.. baby is rapidly growth, cuma dah lama tak buat ultrsound, rindu nak dengar heartbeat dia.. =) My self-condition pun improving, nausea sikit-sikit dan dah tak vommit teruk lagi.. selera makan bertambah-tambah, pantang lambat makan, sakit perut angin memulas-mulas..

Well, another big story or event is My Bestie Zaryatul Akma is now officially Puan Zaryatul Akma, Mrs. Fahmi.. I'm proud and happy for her.. Semua tentative done smoothly, weather pun baik.. Seolah-olah merestui penyatuan dua hati.. =)

I don't know why, few days before pun i cried silently for her, bukan apa dari dulu memang sentiasa doakan kebahagiaan & terbaik untuk dia after what she had gone through.. Bersyukur Akma ditemukan dengan someone that  i strongly confident akan jaga & bertanggungjawab untuk membahagiakan dia..

Touching momment ~ Time akad bila Hatta adik Akma as a wali menyerahkan tugas kepada Qadi pun i felt like i want to cry.. Rasa sedih terkenangkan Allahyarham abah Akma yang dah pergi almost 2 years ago.. Kuatnya & tabahnya keluarga mereka, especially Aunty Izan mak Akma yang mampu buat segala preparation alone tanpa suami, gigihnya mereka dan dari riak wajah ikhlas masing-masing kuat mengatakan.. "Life must go on.." Alhamdulillah.. dengan izin Allah swt, semua berjalan lancar..

Gugur juga air mata ni bila tengok Akma dipeluk Mak & Adik2.. Especially Helmi yang betul-betul nampak sebak.. Paling touching bila diri sendiri yang berpelukan dengan Akma, rasa tak dapat simpan lagi air mata, "Syukur yaAllah Kau makbulkan doaku.." i whispered silently.. Memang friendship kami sangat special, more than just a best friend.. dah macam adik beradik susah senang bersama..

Frankly, saya sendiri tak mampu buat perkara yang sama kepada orang lain selain adik beradik sendiri.. I kept my promise dan hadiahkan a plate of Patchi as one of the hantaran.. Yes a bit on pricey, tapi i dont care about that, sebab mahal lagi friendship kami.. InsyaAllah i'll try to deliver the best for Akma during her reception day nanti.. As a MC.. =) bolehkah?

Tak ada apa-apa lagi yang diharapkan agar mereka terus bahagia & kekal sampai akhir hayat.. jadi pasangan dunia & akhirat.. Tahniah sekali lagi Akma & Fahmi.. Tahniah juga buat Aunty Izan, u're such a strong lady & lovely mom aunty.. Semoga Aunty juga terus happy bersama-sama anak2, menantu & InsyaAllah cucu coming soon.. =)

Pictures.. on the next post..

Saturday Meeting

I'm not in a good condition today, nausea take place & struggling to control the situation..

Otherwise, i can 'wekkk' in anytime.. Oh nooo..

Meeting started sharp at 9.00 and ended 1 hour later.. at the end of the meeting..

"There'll be half month Raya bonus for all staff" ... what a fruitful.. =) half month pun half month laa.. at least something rather than nothing.. Alhamdulillah

My concerned is my car road tax & insurance that almost due in 3 days.. and sort of 'duit raya' to be distributed.. it's a must.. esp to my bros, sis, mom & granny.. priority is for them..

Just a short post.. daaa!

Almost 2nd month ~ 1st trime

7 weeks8 weeks

Salam =)

hehe, belum apa-apa dah start dengan pictures above.. Indicates my current condition.. Even doctor belum dapat pastikan week ke berapa.. but then estimated based on fertility date about 7-8 weeks.. InsyaAllah..

Symthomps;

1. Nausea - especially after sahur untill 9am. Movement pun jadi slow & selalu lambat masuk office. Informed bosses earlier, they understood but still i can't simply take it easily.

2. Fatigue - after maghrib & buka. Terus landing. Dah banyak kali missed tarawikh. =(

3. Angin - ini masalah terbesar. Siksa sgt. Mmg keturunan kuat angin.. Burpppp =p

4. Implantation bleeding - Alhamdulillah semua ok. Last mc 3 hari after ambil injection, Isnin tu suddenly bleeding, semua risau esp Umi & Abang. Yelah, past experience.. nobody wants it to be happened again..

5. Food craving - Yes, but sayangnya tak dapat makan banyak. 2-3 suap je dah stop, cannot go.

Whatever symptoms yang di alami doctor selalu cakap " That's mean your pregnancy goes very well" =) InsyaAllah.. berkat doa semua org esp my family & friends..

p/s : thanks for the wishes & advice sis cyana.. =)

SubhanAllah.. Alhamdulillah..

Kalau mampu dilaung Allahu Akbar sekuat hati.. akan ku laung kan..

I knew its too early for me to post this, what I'm going to story about..

These few days, I found that i'm suffering oral ulser badly.. badly dehydrated i guess so.. elok sini, ada lagi.. nak makan memang susah laa.. but my appetite tremendously increased lately.. so can imagine la how suffer being too appetite but in the same ulsers are everywhere..

Ezany's cousin whom studying medicine in Moscow advised me to get a soluble vitamin c that might helps.. Time beli kat Guardian dengan gatal tangannya grabbed pregnancy test skali although terbayangkan resultnya single line as usual (sigh..).. Bukan ape, takut time puasa salah makan ke sekali tgk2.. hehehe..

Pagi smlm after sahur, saje nak test.. Tgk result (expecting single line).. It's double line! T line appeared followed by the C line.. Rasa menggigil kepala lutut, terus jerit panggil Mr.Hubb (yang telah kembali lena menanti subuh).. Member dengan xsemena2 kalut mendapatkan si penjerit tadi.. hehe

Hugged! A tight hugg.. Tears down, and he calmed me down.. "You must see a doctor by today"

Knowing that he's not be able to accompany.. call Umi, mula2 ok.. but then dia ada 2 tempat nak berTadarus.. it's ok, just go ahead alone to Klinik Noor Hajar..

Dr.Hajar verified and printed the ultrasound image.. 0.81cm so maybe about 4-5 weeks.. "Haa, see.. dia menyorok kat sini.." waaah, blm ape2 dah main hide & seek.. =p I'm willingly to pay RM100 to get a Duphaston, ubat untuk kuatkan womb.. =) history byk mengajar..

Alhamdulillah puasa semalam xde masalah.. hopefully boleh continue habiskan sebulan.. mmg ade rukhsah puasa harus bagi ibu mengandung berbuka demi dirinya & kandungannya.. InsyaAllah, semoga Allah bagi strength to me troughout the Ramadhan.. kena jaga nutrition, terpaksa sedut gak condense milk walaupun sgt tak suka..

All the best Fara! Ya Allah berikanlah aku kekuatan menjalani ibadah puasa sepenuhnya, murahkan rezeki untuk bakal khalifah ini.. Amin Ya Rabb